How to Be a Warm, Engaging Host

House guest edition!

Aug 15, 2024

Today’s letter is in partnership with Brooklinen. They make fantastic bedding, bath, and home items—all things that soften our spaces and make them feel hospitable. Home is about warmth, and hosting is about extending that feeling to your guests. So, I think they’re a perfect partner for this send.

I’ve been told I’m a pretty good host. After many long weekenders and wee-hour dinner parties, I admit I have learned some things about putting people at ease. And while summer house guests might be leaving, here in New York, we’re beginning to think about those friends who want to visit the city at its most beautiful: in the fall.

Afterward, of course, is the hosting Olympics… the holidays.

Home is so personal, and welcoming people in is nuanced and sensitive. It’s really important to me that people feel comfortable when they’re staying with me. I want them to have a good time and be at ease.

I prepare, of course, but hosting falls somewhere between an instinct and a muscle: you have to stay in practice and learn to anticipate people’s needs. Having a few of the right tools on hand helps, too.

1. Establish the vibe

Turn on the lamps in the house, open the curtains, and let the light flow into your home. Good light helps lift the mood. Having fresh flowers around does, too—a little something green is cheerful. I love to get flowers and greenery from the farmer’s market. Soft music is a nice touch, but not wonky elevator stuff; I use this playlist.

In the winter, a fire is cozy. I try to have throw blankets at arm’s length; this cashmere one is sexy. If you can make it happen, a surface by every chair to comfortably rest a drink is fantastic. It’s even nicer if there are extra phone chargers around.

Make food and snacks visible and inviting so people know they’re welcome to help themselves. Think little boats of olives, colorful bowls of nuts (I love both Dinosaur Designs and Kaneko Kohyo Rinka bowls for their great looks and durability), or a good ol’ charcuterie spread if you’re having drinks together in the evening. Leave some bananas, apples, and oranges out on the counter so anyone can grab one and go.

Santa Maria Novella scented candle // Brooklinen cotton percale sheets, blanket, waffle towel set, detergent, and throw // Kaneko Kohyo Rinka footed bowl // NasonMoretti carafe // Dinosaur Designs bowl // The Steamery handheld steamer

2. Give guests their own space

Even the most extroverted guests need alone time; if you can, giving someone a door to close for rest and privacy is really nice. Ideally (and I know we don’t all have the luxury), this means their own bedroom and bathroom. If I’m living somewhere that I don’t have a guest room, and the person isn’t a close friend or immediate family, I nicely make hotel suggestions.

Even if your guest is sharing the bed with a partner, sibling, bestie, or you, a little space division is nice. Extra room in the closet or drawers, consideration for where two suitcases will go instead of one, and maybe some earplugs around if someone snores are all great things to think about.

A comfortable guest room isn’t too different from a good hotel room. The two primary goals are making the person who sleeps there physically comfortable, mentally at ease, and able to help themselves with things they need.

Clean sheets are the bare minimum. We’ve fallen in love with these percale sheets, and they’re great for a guest room because almost nobody is sensitive to cotton. A warm blanket at the foot of the bed (we use this one) and a comfy mattress say you care about guests getting a good night’s sleep.

A nightstand is a great touch, even better if it has a reading light, an empty top drawer for storing a book or iPad, and an outlet for charging devices. If there’s space, a water glass or carafe is great, too!

Clear a space for them to hang clothes (with empty hangers) and provide a luggage rack or bench. I also like to have a mini steamer in the closet. Ensure the room is nice and cool at night and that the Wi-Fi information is handy. Mayyyybeee this is the moment to change your password if it’s something naughty.

Leave an empty drawer in the guest bath for their toiletries, makeup, and skincare, and make sure to clear the counter of any clutter so they have a place for their hair dryer or Dyson thingamajig.

Stash away a few extra items in case they forget: a spare toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, deodorant, face cleanser, Kleenex, eye makeup remover (to spare your towels), and body lotion are great. I like to have an LED makeup mirror as well. Y’know, for the girls!

Fresh, fluffy towels are such a small but mighty touch. I’m obsessed with these bath sheets because they swallow me up. I wash them in this detergent (you only need a little), and guests will feel like they’re in a Downy commercial. Don’t forget clean bath mats and washcloths (including black washcloths for makeup removal). If you’re extra like my Mother, you can really take it over the top with a towel warmer.

For dignity’s sake, I also think having matches, a lightly scented candle in the restroom, extra toilet paper, and a plunger is nice. Nobody wants to have to ask their host where the plunger is if there is *ahem* an issue.

Remember that most people are self-conscious about being a burden, so empower them with the stuff they might need before they have to go looking.

3. Don’t be a drill Sergeant

When guests first arrive, they will probably need to decompress after traveling. Let them unpack, shower, change, nap, or do whatever they like. If you can manage it, don’t just throw them right into plans.

Just because you wake up at the crack of dawn doesn’t mean you should expect your guests to. Let them sleep in if they want, and don’t make a passive-aggressive remark like, “Well, look who decided to join us!” when they rise.

Let them keep their bed and bathroom how they want. Most adults know how to tidy up. Passive-aggressively cleaning behind them gives off a bad vibe. If they’re a major slob and you can’t handle it, just don’t invite them back.

If guests need to come and go as they please, make sure they have keys and gate codes and know which doors need to be locked.

If you’re a no-shoe household, that’s your prerogative. Offering some house slippers or socks softens the request — some people are embarrassed by their feet or don’t like cold floors.

If your guests don’t drink and you do, don’t tease them or push them to join you. Not cool, dude! Have an alcohol-free option like Ghia or Kin around. Boisson is a great website for all kinds of NA sips.

Having rinse-off and dry-off rules is fine if you’re by the pool or ocean. But don’t be a jerk if someone tracks in a little water. Similarly, shoes by the door/in the mudroom are also a reasonable rule for snow or mountains. But the elements are wild, and people aren’t perfect.

Kids are kids. Let their parents set the rules and boundaries for them, and don’t interfere unless you know it’s okay with Mom and Dad. Kids are grubby and wild and free. Unless they’re doing something genuinely unsafe, let them be kiddos. If you collect breakable glass figurines or porcelain dolls, maybe put them up high for the time being. Actually, just put the dolls away altogether. They’re creepy. Why do you have so many dolls???

4. Start the day right

As a host, I feel like breakfast is the one meal you need to provide. I love having breakfast with my guests, sitting around in our pajamas, sipping coffee, and making plans for the day. Even if you’re not a breakfast person, don’t assume they aren’t. Have something around to eat. Low blood sugar and caffeine withdrawal turn normal people into goblins.

Accommodate guests’ dietary restrictions and allergies. Don’t make a big deal about gluten intolerance, meat aversions, allergies, keeping kosher, or anything else. Everyone has a different relationship with food, y’know?

You should also expect to provide coffee or tea—milk is such a thing these days (nut? dairy?), so you may want to send a text before they arrive to check preferences. I also like to have regular sugar, agave, and Stevia drops around. Set it all out to make it easy to find in case they get up before you do, along with mugs and stirrers.

If you exercise in the morning, invite them to join you, but don’t pressure them or shame them if they don’t want to. Likewise, if you aren’t a morning runner but they are, make sure they have your alarm/gate code so they can get back in after. If you’re both into morning workouts, maybe take them to a class you can do together or give them a guest pass at your gym.

5. Be ready with something to do

While it’s not your responsibility to configure an entire itinerary, having something planned is nice. I always ask guests if there is anything specific they would like to do while they’re here. Especially living in New York City, people usually have something in mind they want to see, do or eat.

I try to make any special reservations ahead of time because getting a dinner table has become ridiculous in Manhattan. But maybe you live in a normal city where people don’t act insane about restaurants. In that case, skip this step.

Sometimes, boredom sets in. For me, this means taking guests on a walk to the park or around the block. If it’s warm out, a trip to our neighborhood ice cream shop or farmer’s market, or if it’s raining, busting out card games like Uno and We’re Not Really Strangers. It will look different for everyone, depending on where you live.

If you are planning a whole itinerary, talk it out with your guests ahead of time so they can plan, too. Nobody wants to show up for a beach day without a swimsuit.

6. Getting there, getting around, and going home

Ubers, Taxis, plane tickets, and the like are expensive. It’s totally fine to ask your guests to split fares if you’re getting around together. If you’re driving most places, it’s fine to accept if your guest offers to top off your tank.

If you’re in a city with public transport, give them a little rundown of anything tricky, like weird turnstiles or tap-to-pay. Be sure to teach them how to appropriately glare at others who manspread or wear backpacks on the subway.

Whenever I go see my best friend, he always picks me up from the airport, which I love. But in New York, I can’t really do that. If you have a car and the availability, pickups and drop-offs are nice — but not necessary in the age of Uber.

If you really want to make someone feel special, arrange an Uber Black or a Blacklane Town Car to or from the airport. I specify these two because, at most airports, anything licensed as a limousine is allowed to pick up and drop off at regular passenger pickup/departures, which are usually conveniently located right outside baggage claim. Other, lesser, sadder Ubers usually have to go to a designated rideshare area that is much further away.

If someone has to leave early in the morning before you rise, make sure they have everything they need the night before: instructions on how to work the coffee maker, lock instructions, etc.

After the trip, follow up within 24 hours if you owe them a Venmo or if they asked you to share any photos. Only send the ones where you both look good.

All of the photos from today’s letter were pulled from my “Guilded Austere” Pinterest board. If you liked the vibe, head over there for more. Thanks again to Brooklinen.